There Comes a Time in Every Woman's Life When...

...she realizes that a minute on the lips might actually lead to a lifetime on the hips.

First of all, I don't have cravings for chocolate, candy, sweets of any sort. Until now. I've realized that I'm going to have to actually do something if I don't want to be a cellulite covered slob, so I'm trying. But the minute that started, I also started wanting Snickers, Pay Day, cheese, cheese, more cheese, candy, fried food, pizza, the list goes on.

Second, I have never used gym equipment in my life. I only do yoga. And I've been out of practice since last February. You do the math because it makes me sick and feel sorry for myself to think about it.

So here I am, 24 years old, 5'8" and 125 lbs, learning how to go to the gym. My university now has a state of the art gym including a rock wall, but it was a dank old armory when I was in school. I paid a steep price to get into the rock climbing class last month and discovered just how nice it is.

So what's so hard about the gym? Everything.

How do I walk in the door?
How do I get a locker to work properly?
What do I do with my key?
Should I bring water?
What if I sweat too much?
How do I take a shower?
How do you turn this damn elliptical thing on and what does it mean that my heart rate is 170?
Why does it feel like I bruised my ribs on the ab machine?
What's the locker room etiquette? Can I just walk around naked or do I have to wrap up in a towel? Or is it weird to use the towel? What if it's on my head and I prance through the room? Can I thoroughly dry my crack or will people look at me funny?
Is it normal to weigh naked?
How do I gracefully bend over to pick something up when in the buff?
Why does yoga class feel like an aerobics/dance class?
What the hell is a smartbell?
How do I change the TV from cheerleader movie to the news? No, not Fox news.
What does a personal trainer do?

That's what.